Whining

Whining is a habit your child developed over time and it will take some time to break it.

All kids whine at one age or another, but the way to turn this attention seeking behavior into a habit is to give in, and let your nagger win. Once you give in, you can count on your kids to continue using this technique to get what they want. If not stopped, whining often escalates into back talk, arguing, and tantrums.

You can stop your child's whining habit with a little patience and time. The best way to stop the behavior is to not listen to nagging requests unless spoken with a normal talking voice. If your child whines, "I want a drink," then say, "I can help you when you ask in a normal voice." You may need to role model the correct way a normal voice verse a whining voice. Let your child know that you will not tolerate and respond to whining. Usually whining stops when kids realize it's getting them nowhere. If your child is still whining you can set up a consequence every time they whine. Wherever the whining occurs is where the consequence must take place. If you are out, you can have them sit quietly with no interaction with you. Consequences help stop behaviors only if they are used every time and with consistency when the behavior occurs. If you tell your child they are getting a consequence, follow through or the behavior will increase, only because your child has learned you might give in.

Please remember to praise your child when they use their words and in a normal voice without whining. Breaking the habit takes time. Don't get discouraged. Whining is a learned behavior and can be unlearned with consistency, love, and patience.

Rewarding Your Kids Good Behavior

Rewarding your children for their good behavior can be great motivation for your child. Most of the time simple comments of praise as "You did great", "Well Done", and "Keep it Up" or hugs will do. If you choose to implement an incentive to reinforce your child's behavior be careful, especially if you rely on material or monetary rewards. This will set the wrong expectations that the child holds the reward a greater value than doing the good behavior as the right thing to do.

If you decide to do a rewards chart, children do love them and they tend to break the cycle of nagging for a specific behavior only if you consistently maintain this and work as a family. I would suggest on handling and rewarding only one or two behaviors at a time. This will allow both you and the child to focus on working together to tackle the issue. Use reward charts in moderation because it may end up being not fun anymore for you or your child. This also depends on your child's personality and how your child responds to rewards.

If you want to reward your children with simple praise that is always best and here are some other ways without monetary or material rewards that your children will be sure to love:

• going to the park with a parent without siblings
  
• helping out in making food, helping mom or dad
  
• wash the car
• bouncing on the bed
• staying up a little later
• having a special dessert
• having friends over
• choosing where to go out to eat the next time
• playing a game with a parent
• going for a picnic
• and trips to special places they love

Remember not to expect too much from your child. The goals you want your child to achieve must be realistic and achievable. Reward good behavior quickly and often. Stay positive and concentrate on praising success. You are who they want attention and praise from. Children can learn to do the right thing and make good choices because that is what is expected and best of all will be motivated to do it.

Teaching your child not to interrupt while on the phone

Proactive Parenting vs. Reactive Parenting

Do you feel that every time you answer the phone your little one immediately needs you whether it is a constant tap, saying mommy repetitively or whining for a drink or snack (which in most cases it is something they can't have). You are not alone. An ocean could probably be filled with the number of parents who have been interrupted while on the phone. Interrupting is a habit children learn to use because it works. They want your attention and NOW! They have learned that they get a response from you and that you are willing to stop what you are doing to answer them. Children are so focused on themselves and their needs that they don't realize that you have needs too. They can learn though that interrupting is not acceptable with a little patience and practice.

If you can, prepare children before making a call:

• "Do you want me to read a story before I make some phone calls?"
  
• "Is there anything you need before I make this phone call?"
  

This gives them a chance to connect with you or have some attention before you will be on the phone. You can also communicate to the child that you will be on the phone for a little bit and set them up with an activity they can do on their own or a couple of things they can play while you make your phone calls. Always tell your child that as soon as you are off the phone, you will play with them and try to be specific on what it is that you will be playing. This gives them the opportunity to look forward to doing something together when you are through.

If you answer the phone and your child starts interrupting acknowledge their presence with a nod or silent cue. Do not ignore completely because they will get more persistent. Try not to stop your conversation completely, but if you have to, stop talking and tell your child that you are on the phone and assist them in what they need briefly. Communicate to the child I will be off soon and we will play. Teaching your child to wait will be hard for your little one. If you say you will be 2 minutes then keep your word by setting a timer or be 2 minutes. It's about building trust in your child and letting him know that you respect him and care about his needs while also helping him to understand that there are rules that must be followed.

When you are teaching your child how not to interrupt you, practice what you preach and don't interrupt them. Also role model to your child how to interrupt you and others politely with an excuse me or I have a question please. When you give in to the attention seeker and engage them while on the phone with lengthy answers and constant communication you are teaching them that it is o.k. to do and role modeling disrespect. Try not to take too long of phone calls during sleepiness or eating times. Try to also take phone calls during nap time if you can. If you need to, you can set up consequences for your little one if they continue to interrupt while on the phone after giving the silent cues and assisting them briefly.

Learning to be a good listener and to interrupt only when necessary and in a respectful manner takes practice. The earlier your child learns these skills the better off he will be.

Sharing

"What you role model to your young ones will come back to you and to others."

All of us want kind, loving children that share right? Many parents like myself have been in many situations with their children knowing that this is not an easy task and have been caught in that battle between what to share and not as well as the appropriate time a new toy should be on the sharing list for the next play date.

When parents get involved in toy squabbles, the primary goal should not be to teach your child a lesson on sharing. Rather, the goal is to intervene in a manner that does no harm (doesn't create bad feelings between the kids.) Children are highly sensitive to silent messages. If a parent asks an older sibling to hand over the toy he's playing with to his younger brother, the older child hears, "Mom likes the baby better than me." If one child whines to his mother and she gets involved on his behalf, the other child is bound to feel hurt and resentful toward the sibling. Take a commonsense approach and intervene in a manner that does no harm. If kids are fighting over a toy and they can't find a solution, hold both children responsible for the conflict and encourage them to work it out between themselves.

The trick is to give the kids the tools they need to resolve these conflicts, and then stay out of things as much as possible. One tool that works well is to say, "Okay, both of you want to play with the same toy, and that is not possible. How can we solve this? Then stand back and let them work it out. If the fighting continues, then a good question to ask is, "Do you like it when he shares with you?" Most likely the answer will be yes and then let your child tell you how they will work it out.

If your children are toddlers just remember you may have to intervene because the toy tends to be yanked from child to child or one runs with the toy after taking it, so get the children together and help them work it out without a lot of talking just guiding. In some cases with the older children if they are unwilling to share and you have given them opportunity to handle it with a watchful eye over the situation, it is o.k. then to have a brief gentle conversation with your little one and say, "If you are unwilling to share, you are letting me know that you are choosing to have the toy taken away." At that point let your child choose the right thing to do or not do. If he shares, praise him and if not keep your work and take the toy gently reminding your child is was their choice to do so.

When children are fighting over toys, resist the urge to jump right in and resolve things because what you are role modeling to your child is that they will learn to depend on you to solve their problems. When hosting play dates you can ask your children to put certain toys on the play list for the day just remember which ones they choose so each play date you can rotate toys so they are eventually sharing all of them. Also when your child gets a new toy, it is a golden rule in my house that the child does not need to share the toy for a couple days since it is new and then the toy is introduced to siblings and playmates. Another way to limit the fighting with sharing is to use distraction. You can turn your child's mood around by getting him involved in something different. Not every toy conflict needs to become a platform for teaching your child about sharing. This works really well with toddlers.

The best tool for teaching your child how to share is by role modeling it yourself. Use every opportunity to share and point it out to your child. When your child eats, "Can you share a bite with mommy?" and by playing with your child and doing the same thing with the toys.
If you are really having a tough time with sharing it is o.k. to give consequences while you play with your child too and then don't share. You are role modeling and in return when they go to play with friends it reciprocates back to others.

Your children love praise and attention from you. Praise is the best reward! Acknowledge their good sharing every chance you get and acknowledge their generosity. If you see that your child is giving you something, thank him for being so kind and turn it into a teaching tool for sharing. I bet Johnny would love it if you were sharing with him today. It is embarrassing when kids are inconsiderate and greedy but remember that you have to give up embarrassment when parenting because all kids do these behaviors at one time or another.

Have confidence in your child's basic goodwill and handle all behaviors with gentleness and kindness.

While We're Away...

"We are all interdependent and we have a planetary family" - Dorothy Nolte Law

As many of you know my family and I are headed to Squam Art Workshop to make art and howl at the moon with this family and this mama who I heart very much. Many of us have been dancing to the beat of the distant drumming and now it's time to answer the call...

Will you hold your spirit sacred?

Yes, I will!

As Brené Brown says so eloquently in her inspiring cds, "We can't give our children what we don't have"...how can we give our children the gift of living passionately, a sense of belonging and connection, or nurture their innate creativity...if we don't practice these things in our own life. And for this very reason I signed up for Squam. I am humbled by and grateful for all the support I've received that has helped make it possible for me to attend.

While I'm away, I've asked parenting coach Colleen Baker to guest blog on my behalf and share with you (and me) some of the most common discipline questions that she receives from clients.

Colleen's background is in early childhood education. It was because of her experience in managing 12 childcare centers that she began to focus her attention on parent coaching. She felt that she could make a difference in the lives of individual families and left her field to pursue her calling. She started her business, Powerful Parents, in January of 2008.

Colleen is mother to three charming boys. She is inspired by the work of Sal Severe (How to Behave So Your Children Will Too), and the late Dorothy Law Nolte Ph.D., author of "Children Learn What They Live" whose poem has been posted on refrigerator doors 'round the world. She lives/works in NoVA and is available for telephone consults.

I met Colleen at a parenting workshop at Satchel's favorite haunt, At Play Cafe. Her presentation was insightful and inspiring and addressed a wide variety of parenting concerns. I really appreciated her use of the word "behaviors" rather than "problems" as to me this is a reflection of her respect for children and positive discipline approach.

Colleen has agreed to guest blog for me and will write about four of the most common questions that she receives from parents regarding behaviors and how to address them in a nurturing and positive way. She will answer any questions you may have in the comments section of each post.

I'll be back on the 15th for Most Alive Monday!