Friday, December 30, 2011

Mother Rising

I can't describe the funk I'm in. It's overwhelming because it has so many layers to it…

I have always seen journaling as a valuable tool in my life. I could go back to read entries and chart the course of my life….see my growth, see essence hold presence for myself. My journals have also been a source of healing…after 9/11, my journals were a safe place to store the unimaginable horrors I experienced so that I could free my mind and create more pleasant memories.

During my ivf process…my journals kept me focused and hopeful.

When I became a mom, I knew that my life would be different and that I would not have the time to create in the way I once did. My journal helped me train my eyes to see the sacred in the ordinary rather than be blindsided by the endless chores and lack of sleep. My journal helped me to shift my definition of creativity and discover that making a kite for my son can be as soulful as making a piece of art. Through journaling, I learned that creativity is a language with many dialects. My journal was not only a creative outlet and a tool for self discovery, but it also provided my son with a diary of his childhood.

Blogger was just the tool that I needed to quickly document our days. I called the diary, "Mother Rising" because I usually wrote upon waking and sleep was erratic in those early days.

My plan was to use blogger to create blog books/diaries for my son. I was only able to print Satchel's first year because my old mac was no longer compatible with their program. I needed to wait until we purchased a new mac and we weren't able to do that until a few weeks ago. My plan was to begin that process after the holidays…on Tuesday when Satch went to school. Once completed I would back up the blog since the new mac would be able to handle this task. I estimated that it would take a few months if I worked steadfast while my Son was in school. Unfortunately the photos disappeared before I was able to do this.

My plan was after finishing Satchel's blog books, I would focus on creating a book version of Mighty Girl Art as well as an e-course as this seems like the logical way to expand since taking more than 6-8 girls per session will greatly change the dynamics of a small, safe and sacred circle.

I launched Mighty Girl Art 3 yrs ago because I'm committed to being a present mom and I needed to wait until my son was ready and willing to separate from me to explore on his own. Three years ago he asked to go to "nature camp" which he heard about from a friend. It's a summer event that meets for 5 mornings at our local nature center. I knew that was the sign to launch MGA and that is what I did. I taught while he was at camp. I continue to plan my MGA sessions around the needs of my son. Trying to maintain that delicate balance of being fully present for my son and fully present for the girls I teach. Expanding MGA must be done with the same mindset.

I was just getting to the point where everything was falling into place. After 6 yrs of devotion and hard work I was beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel. But now with the loss of all those photos, I feel very much like the tunnel has collapsed. Because I have to start all over and repair the damage to 6 years worth of living.

I received a message from Google that states the issue happened to a number of people during an upgrade to began migrating to phones and displayed publicly despite privacy setting and the like. In the panic, myself and others removed the photos and in turn they were deleted from the blog. They say that I have re-upload and synch 6 years worth of photos manually. I am not giving up hope that there is someone out there who can restore it somehow.

In the meantime, the first thing I will need to do is repair MGA because I don't want to disappoint those girls or the kindred spirits who sponsor their supplies and gifts. I don't know how long that will take.

The second thing I will need to do is try to fix my family diary/blog, "Mother Rising". My plan is not to start at the beginning, but to work backwards so I don't become too horribly depressed. I will not be repairing any book/product reviews or the "Mom to Mom" interviews. While I am grateful for the opportunities and the connections I've made by making my journals public, my blog has always been first and foremost, a family diary. So restoring that is my priority.

Lastly, once my family diary is repaired, I will need to slurp it into Blurb and print those yearly books for Satch. Before this crippling destruction of my blog, my plan was to have the blog books ready for my son's 7 birthday - this is no longer possible.

That said, after very little sleep and lots of sobbing:

I will not be taking on any new commitments, i.e. giveaways, reviews etc.

I will not be present on facebook, though new diary entries will continue to cross-post.

The reading/research for Mighty Girl Art that I've been working so hard on while Satch is in school, will now be limited to an hour of reading/research while eating my lunch.

I will be repairing 6 years worth of memories from 9 - 3 m-f.

I don't know how long any of this will take. Months? Years?

I crumple into a heap of tears at the thought of it. It's daunting and I feel like I'm buried alive.
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posted by Wendy at 11:55 AM


Anonymous Allison said...

I am so sorry this happened. Is there anything I can do? Anything that would help?

12:08 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

maybe it's worthwhile to remember that the 6 years worth of living aren't damaged, it's just the recording of them - and just a portion of it at that. all of your text commemorating them still exists, and perhaps it's more worthwhile to focus on living the next several years, rather than being devoted to perfecting the memories of the past?

9:54 PM  
Blogger Wendy said...

Dear Anonymous,
I realize that in the scheme of things some will find it trite to be devastated over the loss off these synched photos. However, it means a lot to my son...not just me. We had a tornado warning during the summer that sent us into the basement and the only thing he took with him was the one blog-book I was able to create "Year One". That was very telling to me...that my son, like me, cherishes these memories and the life we are living. That said, I hope to be able to repair the diary entries while he is in school. This was not my plan, of course, I had hoped to do other things during those 6 hours of solitude, but it is what it is. It may not be ready for his 7th birthday gift...perhaps it will be ready for his 10th. All I can do is try.

8:53 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm so very sorry. I've read and enjoyed your site for years; our sons are about the same age. I know this must be devastating and I wish there was something I could do to make it better for you.

I know you're not asking for advice so I am wary about mentioning my thoughts, but I know I would feel so horrid if I had to recreate something like this. Is there any way you could move all of the text to Blurb and work on creating something with old photos and the text in a slightly new way... In book "collage" form? Something to make it feel more like a creative exercise and the gift of remembering the past without having it be a direct, huge amount of work to "fix" and replicate in the exact same way? If you didn't feel tied to replace things in the exact same way it might be a little more freeing, and I'm sure your son would love what you created. Your words are so powerful, and you have the photos-- You could match things up in a new way and it might even be enjoyable?

My husband said he's certain there are archived pages out there, and that even in Google there are usually ways to view cached pages... We just don't have the technical skill to know how to find it for you. Again, I'm so sorry. Thinking of you... --Beth

8:03 PM  

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