Send Me to Squam!

I did not intend to post twice today, but I need to get this out of my head and heart and into my journal. When Robert returned from KC yesterday, we talked about my attending Squam-Art in September. My dream is to take Nina Bagley's class, whom I've studied with before and well...I just adore her and have been feeling her gravitational pull ever since we've moved to NoVa. I haven't been to an art retreat since before Satch was born and that was the last time that I basked in Nina's light. I need a creative fix...I long to be with my tribe. Imagine a swarm of beings congregating to create magic out of thin air...a room thick with imagination, vision, purpose, and passion. Oh and the conversations...the exchange of ideas over lunch, and dinner and walks in nature...the support, the laughter and mostly that sense of belonging. This is what it's like...THIS is why people come from all over the country (and other parts of the world) to commune together and create.

I want Satch to experience this...to see his mama do her THANG...to help me gather objects to incorporate into my work...to walk me to class and to arrive just before it ends to see the progress and feel the collective buzz of so many creative souls gathered in one place and the intense, palpable joy that envelopes you at an art retreat. I want to go with my family and stay off site because "mother" is a VERY big part of who I am right now and I want to include my family in my creative process and the creation of new work. I want my work to reflect who I am now.

Andrea (whose necklaces are often a fixture on my neck) will be there as, as will Jen Gray. Pixie and family will be flying in! Nina Beana will be there AND many other kindred spirits whom inspire me and whom I've been pining to connect with by the golden glow of the sun rather than the white flicker of pixels.

My dream is to find an inexpensive house to rent off site so that my family, the Campbells and the Gilberts (and others) can all stay together and children can run amok with their dadas whilst the mamas create. A place where our families can reconnect, where discussions about the day and our projects can commingle with the aroma of yummy food on the dinner table, filling our tummies and filling our souls....and morning whispers over hot mugs of coffee... and the crunch of leaves underfoot while walking beside a gentle lake reflecting the clear autumn sky and all the colors of the world. Did I mention that this gathering is being held at the very place where "On Golden Pond" was filmed?

Robert will have to work extra overtime in order for me to attend. I feel terribly guilty about this because he already works overtime every other Saturday so that by the end of this year we can be debt free, and be able to buy a home, and save for Satchel's education...AND be able to have family adventures like this one without taking time AWAY from our family in order to do something special TOGETHER.

And though my heart is dancing with excitement knowing that I will be going to Squam and doing something that fills my soul, my head is struggling with conflicted emotions of guilt. I never realized how much my sense of worth was defined by my own paycheck, my own bank account until I became a stay-at-home-mom. Has anyone else wrestled with this? Has anyone else felt uncomfortable being a "dependent" and not a "bread-winner"? How did you come to terms with this?

A wise woman by the name of Maya Angelou once said, "ask for what you want and be prepared to get it". So...why are we so afraid to ask for help? That said, I'm asking. Is there anyone out there who wants to help make my Squamalicious Wishes come true...and contribute to the "Send Me To Squam Fund (otherwise known as creative bliss)"?

And my friend Cooper of Hint Mint would like to say thank you to all those who support my creative dreaming by sending this tin of his delicious (vegan) mints. Hint Mint's slogan is "a gesture of kindness" and they truly walk their talk! Thanks Coop!