The B Side
Last night as I nursed him, I fought hard against the sleepines brought on by oxytocin and the fatigue of motherhood and after he dozed off, I rolled over, clipped on the owl light, took a few gulps of water and read my book. I felt like I was a child again, hiding under the covers after bedtime with a flashlight so that I could sneak a few more chapters of Roald Dahl without being caught, only I'm a "grown-up" now and reading a book without pictures. When he began to stir, I clicked off the light and snuggled in next to him.
And this is how it has come to be...grasping for a few moments to do things that I enjoy, a few moments to find myself. I want to be upbeat and say that toddlerhood is challenging, but "difficult" is more apt. And there are days when nothing pleases him...when he is so demanding that I am unable to shower...days when I lose my patience, lose my grip, raise my voice, and feel guilty about it...feel like I totally suck at being a mom. Today was one of those days.
When he is in one of his moods, he will begin the day whining. It's a sound like I've never heard before...a sound so shrill and horrid that I am pretty sure it could induce seizures in laboratory animals. It is truly disorienting!
Has anyone had this experience?
I look forward to the day when he can amuse himself for more than a few minutes and I keep reminding myself that we DO have some good days: days when we laugh, sing, and play; days without whining, crying, or hurting mama; days when I can shower and nights when I lose myself in a chapter and find myself snuggling in the moonlight with my baby.
Tomorrow is Saturday and that means I am guaranteed a shower while dada plays with Satch.