Friday, May 19, 2006

The Edge

Satchel has had several rough days and nights. His sleep has been fitfull and he woke frequently, often in tears. Exhausted and frustrated, I feel more like a living binky than a human being. He's not much better during the day...refusing to eat, or play...he doesn't seem to know what he wants and I just don't know how to help him. Motherhood has redefined my concept of "tired", yet it has also redefined my concept of "joy".

At 7:30 this morning, after several outbursts of tears, I took him for a walk hoping that the stillness of the morn would help calm him. The grass glistened with dew in the early light and we were surrounded by a chorus of birds.

Through the tangle of melodies, I was able to follow the song of a male cardinal and found him perched on the peak of a nearby roof. He sounded as if he were whistling at a pretty girl then broke into a staccato. The cool, moist air was heavy with the scent of wet bark, dark earth and green grass.

Though I could see steam rising from the wet roof of a small barn, the sun had not dried the flowers enough to lift a scent and the perfume remained inside the sleepy buds.

I walked him for 2 hours and he fell asleep during the stroll.

He awoke just as miserable as he had been the past few days. While I felt a little more rejuvenated from the fresh air, I also felt myself sinking along with Satchel's mood. Once home I tried different activities to amuse him, all of which lasted mere minutes before another bout of fussing and crying. Finally I put him in the sling and though he continued to fuss, he fell asleep sitting up. Just as I felt my body relax, he jerked himself awake and began crying again, but I was able to take him bed and nurse him back to sleep. Now napping, I dare not make myself lunch for fear of waking him.

Satchel will be celebrating his first birthday next Saturday. I hope I can make it through the song with out any tears. I can hardly believe it's been a year. Satchel waves at my belly cast as if saluting his first home and in the evening when I lie beside him nursing him to sleep, I often reflect on his powerful, so profound. I plan to make him a tiny wholesome banana cake with cream cheese frosting. The recipe is from Magnolia Bakery where his Dada and Mama went on their first date. His candle will be held by a tiny silver elephant that my friend Susan sent him. I chose an elephant for his first candle in honor of Kedar, the baby elephant who lost his life at the Syracuse Zoo. He was born 8 days before Satch and would have celebrated his first birthday on May 14th. I think when Satchel is older, he will approve of my choice for first candle. Kedar means "powerful" or "mighty one" in Hindi.

Satch is now awake and crying. I'm sure I'll be crying too before the day ends. I can only hope that this is a phase. I hope it passes quickly as it is very difficult to bear.


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posted by Wendy at 2:32 PM


Blogger julie said...

A big squeeze and a kiss on the cheek for you my dear friend. I remember those days vividly... mostly because every once in a while we still have them. What keeps me sane is the though that I repeat in my head a million times..."this can't possibly go on will end and I wil be grateful for that moment..even if is brief".
Hope you have a restful weekend. See ya Monday...

3:01 PM  
Blogger pinkcoyote said...

oh, wendy.
this is so hard.
in your tiredness, weakness, fried nerves and fragility, you are an oak tree.
what will you tell me when miles reaches this stage? what will you encourage me to do, to feel?
i feel that being forever underrested results in me constantly surfing the edge-my limits stretched with nothing on reserve for the worst days.
i suppose we do it because there is no other option. grit the teeth, take a deeeeep breath, make the lion face and trudge on...
cyber hugs, sister. may you find shelter soon.


12:19 AM  
Blogger Wendy said...

I guess I would have to:

1. Echo Julie's words above, "Remind yourself that it can't last forever".

2. "For us there is only the trying, the rest is not our business". - T.S. Elliot

*Serendipitously posted on Keri Smith's Blog this week.

3. THIS post on Mama Says Om gave me courage

Breathe in....Breathe out!

6:43 AM  

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