Goodbye 2019, Welcome 2020.

Happy New Years eve, Hogmanay, and Silvester! At the end of the year I try to make a list of moments of beauty that happened during the year to light my way thru the year ahead. I then clean house, put away all the decorations, then I dream up more adventures to begin the circle anew. #hogmanay #silvester #newyearseve2019
1. In January we loaded the car with sleds, and hot cocoa, and met friends at our favorite hill for shenanigans. My son had his winter break sleepover with a pal, and we had popcorn for breakfast at an early matinee with his friends which has become a winter break tradition.

2. In February I finally made the perfect vegan mac n' cheese, creamier and I dare say more delicious than the dairy version. I also found a recipe for the best lentil curry. We broke ground on our home, and helped clean up our LF trail. We went to Eco-Art at Blandy Arboretum.

3. In March we hiked Great Falls again, and saw a Bald Eagle Nest. We watched our home in progress.

4. In April we went to the kite festival in Sherando Park, and took a road trip to visit our in-laws in KC, MO.

5. In May we went to the Baby Goat Snuggle for Mother's Day. Satch caught the first Garter Snake of the season and named her Devi. We closed on our house on our son's birthday which we celebrated as an auspicious moment. We gave him his set of keys, and I captured his happiness in a photo as he opened the door.

6. In June we went to the Native Plant festival where I met my friend and neighbor Kathi. We put our plants in the ground, and found a baby mantis on our porch. Satch and Robert put together his bed that we thrifted on market place. We threw the quilt down in our living room and celebrated with pizza and elderflower lemonade. Then on June 20th we moved in to our own home. That night, the frogs were singing and we recorded them. Satch began archery and won a medal.

7. In July Bessie Coleman Hummingbird sipped from my hand. We had a visit from a Red Spotted Purple and an ichenewman wasp. We watched a Meadow Katydid wash her face on our front porch. And lastly, I felt unpacked enough to take my first kayak paddle on the lake with Robert and Satch. It was near sunset, and beautiful, we saw Egrets.

8. In August, our moon flower bloomed, and we watched a hummingbird moth plunging into the giant blossoms. We had our first back to school bonfire at the lake. We watched the meteor shower from our deck.

And then my husband unexpectedly tragically died, and our world was turned upside down in the most horrific way. At the same time, we were held up by the most loving family, friends and neighbors who supported us and helped us in all the ways needed. This reinforced our belief in the power of community and gave us hope for the world in general. Satch started high school and was happy to report that at his new school, everyone is nice and he's not being bullied. This was our biggest wish after 8 years of being picked on.

9. In September we had a memorial gathering for Robert. Our home was filled with family, friends, neighbors and colleagues. We shared a potluck, memories, and tears. I don't remember much of September beyond that.

10. In October I celebrated my 56th ride around the sun. My son and I went to the lodge, where we were oddly sat a table with three chairs. My cousin, Adelia, came to visit, we climbed Stony Man Summit and had our annual orchard picnic joined by our friends, the Mann family, and our nephew Andy's family. We made apple sauce with some of the apples we picked and froze it for Thanksgiving. We've been doing this since Satch was a tot. We carved our pumpkins and went to the first annual Fall Festival at our lake. It was the first year that Satch didn't go trick or treating, but took joy in answering the door and passing out candy.

11. In November I was visited by my friend Susan who was also a former co-worker and roommate in NYC. She brought bittersweet, and farm fresh eggs, and apples. We shared memories and much laughter over our wild NYC days. Satch and I took our first solo road trip to be with our in-laws for Thanksgiving in KC, MO. We packed delicious food so that we wouldn't have to stop along the way. It was lovely spending time with family, especially the elders for all the reasons. On the drive home, we hit treacherous weather, and witnessed a giant pile up, but we made it through unscathed and grateful. A mysterious parcel arrived from my friend Mary, containing long sold out, and highly coveted celestial sneakers. Friends transformed into Santas, making all my son's wishes come true.

12. In December we did a hard thing, and donated Robert's clothing to a mission that does not sell them, but gives them to men in need. I cried, but I have no doubt that Robert would have wanted that. We had a surprise visit from one of Robert's colleagues and after they left we took a spontaneous drive to Front Royal where we discovered that Jumani was playing and just made it in time. We kept our tradition of opening our home on the winter solstice and were joined by friends and neighbors for a potluck. My son happily opened the door each time the bell rang. We received the gift of light from the Jandas who came to wire us, and now we can not only see our dinner, but we bask in a hygge-esque glow. We kept our winter break cinema tradition and drove to reston to meet friends for the matinee of the new Star Wars Film. We hiked Fox Hollow on Christmas Day with my friend Kathi. We watched a Bald Eagle release at Cool Spring Shenandoah River.

In the beginning of last year it felt as though things were beginning to feel more secure and hopeful for our family. Justisia, Elen of the Ways, and Bridges were my guiding symbols of the year. Some people choose guiding words, I choose symbols. I'm keeping the ladies with me in 2020 since I have no idea where this path is leading me. This is unfamiliar territory and as some of you know, one of my silent fears is getting lost. I kind of feel lost right now. I had all these hopeful ideas and plans, and I suppose they still exist sort of, but I don't know how to get to them because I can't see where I'm going. The forest of grief is dense.

Dear 2019, you were a trickster of the worst kind, but I'm still standing and will not lay down my sword just yet.  Dear 2020, what's good?!?!