57

Yet keep within your heart
A place apart
Where little dreams may go,
May thrive and grow.
Hold fast-hold fast your dreams! 

- Louise Driscoll

Dear me at 57,

Yesterday marked your 57th dance around the sun.  What an unusual birthday!  Still in the thick of pandemic, you arose early to start the laundry and drive to the market to pick up your grocery order at 8am. When you returned, you methodically cleaned your items and put them away, then finished the laundry before heading outside to mow the lawn, hang Halloween candles and plant tulip bulbs in the back yard in memory of your grandmother Mary.  When you pass the Morning Glories growing up the porch post you remember your grandmother Irma who grew them along her fence.  These two women who overcame much and made a beautiful life.  You are deliberate in your honoring.

Your son made you spaetzle for lunch and presented you with a 3month audible subscription for your birthday.  This made you cry...for one because he did so with his own money that earned watering a garden for a neighbor - and two...it was very tender given that you were just diagnosed with AMD in your right eye and vitreous detachment in the left.  After a good cry over the dx, you acknowledged that it could be worse and looked for the best option to hope for:

1) that they can slow the progression of the R eye for many years

2) that the retina in the L eye remains intact so that you will have one good eye to see your future grandchildren, and sunsets and make artsy things.

Your cousins sent a lovely card, and generous surprise that made you cry again, and Neighbor-friends dropped of all manner of delightful treats to your front porch.  Your mom sent you an amazon gift card and you can't decide whether to purchase hiking poles or a Hori - because Libra troubles.  You being both Libra Sun & Moon, makes decisions difficult because you are bent on making the best possible decision in all situations.  It feels like a curse, but it's a blessing in disguise.  You consider all sides to every situation.  You are practical and realistic. 

It took you nearly a year to find a job (332 days to be exact), and in the process discovered how much your worth has been devalued because you chose to leave your paid profession to mother your child.  Mothering and homemaking albeit rewarding is arduous unpaid labor - yet - it is not acknowledged as work.  Finding a job was no small feat due to that gap in your resume, moving to rural VA, your age, and a pandemic.  Nevertheless, you miraculously landed a remote gig that allows you and your now remote learning son to remain safe.  The job, while certainly rewarding, is the most chaotic and stressful job you've ever had.  Your schedule can change without warning which makes it hard for the body to find a rhythm.  You are currently working 10 1/2 hrs x 6 days a week with 28 minutes of lunch, two 13 minute breaks, and one 8 minute break.  Thursday you were offered what they called an "award" which was that you could take "59 minutes of o/t off without pay at the start of the shift".  That seemed less of an award and more like an empty box being labeled a gift so you turned it down.  Good on you.

You powered thru another long shift on your birthday and 10 minutes before the shift ended you were told that you had to work until 1 am.  Some how you made through, and flopped into bed.  You awoke at 7 am when a work text pinged your phone asking for your daily check in.  You replied, then cashed in a belated birthday wish that they won't take a way your one day off.    You remembered your guiding symbol for the year is Starling - and pondered the synchronicity of that.

The good news is that you've been able to pay off the rest of R's enormous cremation debt that you had to put on your premarital visa as he had no savings.  You also paid the final two car payments early, and the bill from your cardiologist and accountant.   You closed your eyes in gratitude for the friends and family who created a cushion to get you back on your feet after R's death.  You extended gratitude to your self for your hard work and felt such relief to have that debt behind you that you cried - again.  Well done.  Now you need only to focus living expenses and as you have a knack for living simply this could prove doable. 

You ponder the possibilities of the path ahead.  You need a more sustainable job, with life insurance, and at least 2 weeks vacation so that you can relaunch Mighty Girl during one week of vacation, and do something with your son during the other. 

I'm here to say, that I see you working hard to make something beautiful of the cards you've been thrown.  Remember to hold fast to your dream and when we meet this time next year you will see how far along you've traveled.  Remember to use your tools, and when in doubt read this...it still holds true. 

Hold fast!
W