"I hope you don't mind that I put down in words... how wonderful life is while you're in the world"
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Kite Festival
Saturday morning I went for a much needed haircut, while the boys went to pick up a kite for the festival. "Why do we have to buy one", asked Satch, "Why can't we just make one?"
I explained that it was misty and I didn't think our paper kite would hold up to the water. After lunch we took the train to DC because Satch has never ridden a subway train. He was so excited that he insisted on wearing his engineer's cap. It was cool to see people out flying in spite of the weather. Shortly after this photo was taken, Satch slipped in the mud and had a mild freak out. So, we called it a day.
"I hear them deep inside me whispering,
oh what is that beautiful thing that just happened?" - Mary Oliver
A few moments before this photo was taken, he fell flat on his face along the trail. He scraped his head, hands and got a huge bruise on his right knee. We walked home to tend to the boo boos and dry some tears. And then he was off running again and throwing himself down on the grassy hill, laughing wildly. I kept wondering how does he do that...go from hysterical crying to laughing wildly in a matter of minutes? How does he move from pain to joy so quickly? And it occurred to me it's because he is so completely present and doesn't try to be anywhere else. He doesn't try to be something else. When he's hurt, he hurts and when he's happy, he's happy. It is what it is, nothing more, nothing less. And one can travel rather quickly without any baggage.
"Grassy grass grass, tree tree tree
Leafy leaf leaf, one-y two three
Birdy bird bird, fly fly fly
Nesty nest nest, high high high" - Woody Guthrie
We decided to try this nest project that I found on Crafty Crow because I just love all things nesty. Satch sported the original "got art?" apron that I designed (I've since created a new "got art?" apron). Satch got a wee bit freaked out about the glue on his hands and ditched his nest half way through to go wash his hands. So, I'm going to revisit this project and try dipping the yarn in liquid starch instead. *Reporting back: Dipping the yarn in liquid starch works great! Less sticky on wee hands, cleans up easier, dries faster too.
"One never has to look far to see the campfires of gentle people" - Garrison Keillor
Last week we toasted marshmallows in the living room, and when I snapped the photo of Robert helping to steady Satchel's stick, I suddenly remembered that this was something that I dreamed of doing with Satch even before he was born (see 9/21/04 entry).
And Friday night was the first community campfire of the season at our local nature center. A sing along and S'mores to mark the first day of Spring!
"I will make him a salamander bed to sleep in. I will cover him with leaves that are fresh and green and bring moss that looks like little stars to be a pillow for his head. I will bring crickets to sing him to sleep and bullfrogs to tell him good-night stories" - Anne Mazer (The Salamander Room)
He will not remember that I marked the Calendar, "Monday-Reptiles". He will not remember that I nearly forgot about it, took a 5 minute shower and rushed to get out the door. He will not remember that, because we were late, I didn't dare wait for a bus and pushed him two miles in the stroller. He will not remember that I was three days early because I wrote down the wrong date. He will only remember that on that day, I broke my golden McRule of not exposing him to the golden arches unless on a road trip. He will remember that I bought him fries and a spiderman toy.
He will remember that Thursday was Reptiles Day. He will remember that we rode the new cushy bus across town. He will remember that male Box Turtles have red eyes. He will remember touching the smooth scales of the Corn Snake. He will not remember that we waited 30 minutes in the cold for the return bus or how the bus driver never stopped to pick us up. He will remember how I ran with him in my arms and caught that bus at a red light. He will remember how he laughed and held tightly. He will not remember how the driver looked right at us when he drove away. He will remember how I chased the bus again. He will remember how funny it was when we knocked on the door of that bus two blocks later at another red light. He will not remember that the bus driver left us again. He will not remember how I sat on the sidewalk exhausted and out of breath and choking back tears. He will remember sitting next to me in that odd place and the whir of traffic. He will not remember the stranger in the car at the intersection who rolled down his window with mouth agape, trying to find words to console me.
He will remember that we walked home. He will remember that walking kept us warm. He will remember the cherry blossoms. He will remember the three footed turtle named Stumpy.
-lets touch the sky:
with a to and a fro
(and a here there where) and away we go - e.e. cummings
We took Satch to the "Flying in the Great Hall" event at the National Building Museum. It was fun, but a bit odd. There were two large roped off areas for flying, but for most of the time, they were occupied by grown men flying model planes and the children were scooted out of the area to watch. In short, too much watching and not enough playing, but we made the best of it as usual!
"And they all lived together in a big red barn.
And they played all day
in the grass and in the hay" - Margaret Wise Brown
Satch had so much fun at the farm yesterday. It's one of his favorite
places. This particular visit treated us to some new births...calves,
lambs, and piglets!
Still, I think what made this outing so special was that he was
surrounded by three of his favorite people, N, R & C. He didn't
want to go home and sat on the porch pouting. In my heart I knew that
it wasn't about leaving the farm, it was about saying goodbye to his
friends.
We're catching an early bus across town to attend the Reptiles Rules workshop
If you never did you should.
These things are fun
and fun is good - Dr. Seuss
Kindred spirit, Sabrina Ward Harrison once said, "Barefoot travel allows you to get the true feel of a place"...and I couldn't agree more. I feel the same way about painting...sometimes, one needs to put down the brushes and use hands. Later, we took off our shoes and climbed in the sandbox.
Those who dwell among the mysteries and beauties of the earth are never alone or weary of life - Rachel Carson
...after mud squishing and smackerals, we went "yookin" for salamanders and found one.
I don't wantyou just to sit down at the table. I don't wantyou just to eat, and be content. Iwantyouto walk out intothe fields... Iwantyouto fill your hands with themud, like a blessing. - Mary Oliver
I held my breath
as we do
sometimes to stop time
when something wonderful
has touched us
as with a match,
which is lit, and bright,
but does not hurt
in the common way,
but delightfully,
as if delight were the most serious thing you ever felt. -Mary Oliver (Snow Geese)
From the window I could see that the snow was already beginning to melt. We ate our sandwiches quickly, fresh mozzarella drizzled with olive oil and rich balsamic reduction - a lunch that Satch exuberantly calls, "DELISH-IST & GORJ-IST". We carefully donned our layers, like peeling in reverse. It was a mile trek to get out to the vista, pulling Satch in the sled behind me for most of the way, but it was well worth it.
We stayed for a couple of matches and then took Satch into the pit to watch the kids working on their bots. We were handed safety goggles and instructed to wear them.
Then we decided to head over to the building museum and for some reason, Satch insisted on wearing his coat backwards. Most likely because of the zipper and his sensitivities.
I keep saying time and again that I'm the luckiest person on earth and having the opportunity to meet Inessa Love is just another example of why I believe it is so. I need to back up a bit in order to explain how I met Inessa.
For me motherhood is a constant learning experience. As I learn more about my son, I learn more about myself. And I come here to my diary and record my experience so that my son will have the story of our journey together and also so that those who feel compelled to read my journal might find some sort of foothold that saves them from the stumbling that I do along this path.
My third year of motherhood is the most challenging for me. For instance, when my triggers are pushed, I tend to revert to baggage from my own childhood...I raise my voice when I lose my patience. By nature I have a very soft and quiet voice so it actually takes quite a bit of energy and a LOT of frustration for me to get to that point. And I don't want to get to THAT point. I've been thinking so much about why this happens, why I raise my voice when I'm pushed beyond my limits and I believe it's because I feel that I'm not being heard, but not because I'm half Italian. So, if I feel like I'm not being heard, then perhaps I need to find a more effective way of communicating, right? And here is where I happened upon Nonviolent Communication...I read up on it, I watched Marshall speak about it and I thought that this can enrich every aspect of life, including parenting. My search led me to a parenting workshop in DC where I met Inessa....
Mom: Inessa Love Of: Sebastian, 4.5 years old Where: Washington DC Website:Connection Times 1. In what ways has becoming a mother changed you?
I became a more loving person. I guess I must have been a loving person before that too, but becoming a mother helped me access that well of love inside of me. I had no idea I can experience so much love. Sometimes I go into my son’s room when he is sleeping and I sit there and watch him and I feel so much love for him that I cry. As I watch him learning new things every day, I admire this amazing little person that helps me remember the beauty and mystery of human experience.
I also became more confident. Before I had my son, I had no idea what this will be like and I had a lot of fear and anxiety about whether I will be able to handle being a mother; I felt very insecure. I was never a “baby person” – if anyone gave me a baby to hold, the baby will start crying within a matter of minutes. That has not changed since I had my son – I did fine with him when he was a baby, but I still don’t do well with other people’s babies :-)
But now, 4.5 years into it, I feel more confident than ever. It did not happen overnight, in fact this confidence is growing, as I am learning how to navigate this ever changing relationship, discovering what works and what does not, and experiencing “mini successes” (and sometimes major setbacks too). But I am very confident in the approach to parenting that I have chosen – which is inspired by Nonviolent Communication that I will speak about below.
2. What is one tip you would like to share about mothering?
I would say the major tip is being intentional about how you are as a parent. I am afraid that many people are “parenting by default,” either using the approaches they absorbed from their parents, or allowing themselves to be influenced by what others think they should do, or applying discipline techniques according to the latest book, without looking deeply into what kind of relationship they want to create with their children.
Yes, as parents we all, no matter how skillful we are, will do things we regret later. When it happens, the first thing I’d say is to have compassion for yourself. You are a human being, and you are here to learn (I believe). Be gentle with yourself; it’s no use to start beating yourself up – that is not the way we learn. I believe we learn best in the atmosphere of peace and compassion. So my second tip will be for parents to cultivate compassion for themselves.
Next, be intentional about what you want to do the next time a similar trigger happens. I believe it is very important to be intentional and ask yourself some important questions, such as: what kind of parent do I want to be, what is really important to me, what kind of person do I want my child to become, and what kind of relationship do I want to have with this person now and when he is grown up. Sometimes we are too busy to ask ourselves these questions, but I believe they are crucial to our satisfaction and enjoyment of parenting.
3. What is NVC and how did you find this path?
NVC, stands for Nonviolent Communication, is a way of relating to ourselves and each other that honors each individual and looks to find the beauty inside every one of us. This beauty is found through connecting to the deep yearnings we all share as human beings and qualities we all want to experience in life - such as love, friendship, understanding, empathy, choice, trust, meaning, harmony and many others. We refer to these qualities as “needs” although the word “need” does not really capture what we mean by it. The “needs” in NVC is what makes our hearts sing, which is not the same as it is used in common vernacular.
After being married for a few years, I had this sobering realization that I had to learn a different way of relating to my husband if I did not want to end up like my parents – divorced. My main way of coping with conflict was to have a few shots of vodka (to honor my Russian roots), but this never really helped. Then I came to NVC and it changed. Not overnight, in fact, it’s been a long process, sometimes painful and discouraging. One of the things I am really blessed with in this life is perseverance. I am so grateful I never gave up on our relationship. And now, after 6 years of consciously practicing NVC, I can say my relationship with my husband is better than ever and I am looking forward to our 10th anniversary that is coming up this August. I also have the best relationship with my Dad I’ve had in years; my Mom lives with us and we all get along great. But most of all, as I said above, I feel this has been the biggest blessing for me as a mother to have these skills for creating a relationship with my son that is mutually nourishing and fulfilling.
4. How can NVC be applied to parenting?
It has everything to do with how I am as a parent. NVC approach is what I would refer as a “partnership” approach to parenting. It’s in contrast to authoritarian, coercive, or “power-over” approach, in which the parent is “the boss”: “do as I say or else…” “because I said so” or “you have to … now!” Conversely, NVC is not a “permissive” approach either – i.e. “do whatever you want.”
In NVC both needs matter - my needs and my son’s needs. And it is not the case that my needs are more important because I am bigger and stronger. I let my son know that his needs matter to me. And gradually, I see signs that my needs and my well-being matter to him. Just the other night I had a bit of a rough time brushing his teeth (which took 10 minutes instead of regular 2 minutes, and I was exhausted by the process, but he seemed to be having fun). So after we were done, I said with some frustration in my voice: “Sometimes it is very difficult for me to brush your teeth, and I don’t like it” to which he replied in an empathetic tone: “I don’t like giving you a hard time.” That made up for those 10 minutes for me.
When we have a disagreement, I like to call it a dilemma, rather than a conflict. In conflict one person is up against the other one. In a dilemma, two people are thinking together how to resolve it. I say to my son: “here is a dilemma: you want X and I want Y, what are we going to do about it?” Sometimes he has an idea, which I welcome, and sometimes he says “I don’t know” and then I say: “ok, here is my proposal” and I describe my idea and then I ask what he thinks about it. If he does not agree, I ask him if he has another idea or proposal. (He learned the word proposal when he was barely 3 years old.) In the end we find what works for both of us. I invite him to be a partner in finding ways we resolve our differences. I share my power with him – I am not the boss. But I don’t give up on my needs either. It is a “beautiful dance.” Do you like to dance?
5. Please share how you used NVC in a difficult situation with son?
6. How has NVC enriched your relationship with your son?
Imagine trying to tune in the radio station that plays a beautiful song, but there is so much static that you can barely hear the song.
Now, think about relationships - there is a lot of potential for “static” in any relationship, and especially in parenting. The “static” is all the little or big conflicts we experience daily: getting dressed in the morning, eating, getting into the car, watching (or not watching) TV, cleaning the room, doing the homework, managing anger and aggression, taking things that belong to others, not telling the truth, you name it. Without skills, such as those taught by NVC, these conflicts break the connection between us and our children. This “static” blocks the love for each other that we all have in our hearts. Sometimes the static is so loud, we cannot hear the beautiful song - we cannot access that love. I think the reason I feel so much love for my son is because of my NVC skills, there is very little static in our relationship, and I can hear the song so clearly. And it is the biggest blessing I have experienced in life.
7. Where can others find NVC parenting workshops?
There are sometimes parenting workshops offered in Washington DC area – you could visit Capital NVC and sign up for our monthly newsletter to find out the next one. You could also attend non-parenting NVC workshops since all the tools of NVC could be applied to parenting situations. I am intending to teach another parenting class in April-May – so stay tuned.
8. I am thrilled to learn that you are organizing a Family Heart Camp on the East Coast. The thought of like-minded families all coming together for the sole purpose of learning, and growing for the greater good moves me deeply. Please share more about it.
I really want to support parents because I have so much compassion for parents. Parent-child relationship is a very meaningful relationship that has the power to shape the child’s life (and the parent’s life, for that matter). I also have so much compassion for children, who are often powerless, and don’t have access to resources, who are vulnerable and easily get hurt and misunderstood. The pain the children experience and the deep wounds they might be left with for the rest of their lives deeply concerns me. The parent-child bond is so strong, so archetypal, there is so much potential for joy and for pain in this relationship. My heart goes out to all parents and all children, who experience suffering.
Parenting is such a difficult job, and most unfortunately, in our society it is often a very solitary job. Parents are often struggling because of lack of skills and support, stretching between a day job, taking care of the home, maintaining the marriage and raising the family. It does not have to be that way! Family camp is a place where parents get the support they need and learn the skills to help create fulfilling relationships with their children that last a life time.
So many things. Being creative is one thing – writing, creating something. For example, I am finishing a CD with meditations inspired by NVC, called “The Heart of Connection.” This was very meaningful and fulfilling project. If you sign up for my newsletter, you will hear about it coming out in April. Last year I created a 5 minute video clip that I enjoyed creating (see below)
I also like working with people in private practice (I help individuals and couples learn these vital skills and rediscover the joy of connection) and I like giving workshops. I like spending quality time with my husband and I like to play. I like going for a walk, exercising, dancing, meditation, prayer and going on spiritual retreats.
Thank you for the questions! As I was writing the answers, I was really in touch with how grateful I am for all the blessings in my life!
Location: NYC roots, now blooming in Northern Virginia, United States
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Mother, Artist, Biophiliac,Vegetarian, Joyologist, VA Master Naturalist, CCMA
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CONTACT: wendy(at)wendycook(dotcom)
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This is my JOURNAL. I come to this page to write about our days so that my son will have a diary of our life together. Perhaps you will find something useful here as you navigate the terrain of your own path. ...........................................
Topics are categorized by subject in the chapters section on my sidebar. Useful links are located in my sidebar also.
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"To laugh often and much;
To win the respect of intelligent people
and the affection of children;
To earn the appreciation of honest critics
and endure the betrayal of false friends;
To appreciate beauty...
To leave the world a bit better,
whether by a healthy child,
a garden patch
or a redeemed social condition."
