Realness
October 8, 2004
I've been debating about whether or not I should write this entry because I don't want to seem as if I'm complaining about something as miraculous as pregnancy. Still, the title of this journal is "Verisimilitude" which means truth or reality therefore I feel I should remark on what my pregnancy feels like.
There a days when I feel pretty good and almost forget that I'm pregnant. There are days when when I feel so crappy and nauseous that I've actually said to Robert, "Why would anyone in their right mind want to be pregnant" and "I'm glad you only want one child because I'm not doing this again". Of course, when I'm feeling good I forget that I've actually made these comments. It is only from sheer will that I haven't barfed. When I'm nauseous I can't even go into the kitchen. One night we had vegetarian chili and it was as if it was the most delicious thing I've ever tasted. The next night I didn't even want to look at it. One evening, the only thing I could even think about eating was a single piece of corn on the cob which Robert bought from a local farmer. After the first bite I thought I never tasted corn this good in my life, but half way through it was suddenly too sweet and I had to force myself to finish it. It is very strange.
The most interesting symptom I have experienced is an intense fatigue that hits me hard. It's like nothing else I've ever felt. When the exhaustion hits my whole body aches. The first time it happened I thought I had a fever because every muscle in my body ached...it even felt like my bones were hurting. According to my doctor, this is very common. I learned that the reason this happens is because my body is working very hard at building a little human with tissue, nerves, organs, and bones of it's own. We don't realize how much energy it takes to create a little human, but judging by the way I feel when the fatigue hits...it takes a LOT.
The other symptom that I'm experiencing is the result of the hormone, progesterone, which my doctor is now trying to wean me off of. My breasts are so swollen that I look like a cartoon of my former self. I wouldn't mind it so much if the size was due to milk production for breast feeding...at least then they would be useful. At the moment, however, they are nothing more than extremely painful decorations.
I am told that pregnancy makes our sense of smell more acute as a means of protecting the embryo from poisonous substances. If there is any truth to this, it happened to me last night. I woke up and said to Robert, "I smell a skunk". He said he didn't smell anything, but I could clearly smell it and it kept waking me up. Having spent nearly 18 years living in Manhattan, I would swear that nothing smells worse than the subway in June, but now I crown the humble skunk the malodorous KING. Bradford Morrow wrote a prose poem about the skunk in "Bestiary". He describes it's scent as "satanic perfume". It couldn't be more accurate. This morning Robert remembered that, when he was taking out the trash the other night, he saw a skunk running down the sidewalk. All I can say is, "AHA!!!"
We go into this experience not knowing how it will effect us. We hope that we will be one of the lucky few who breeze through pregnancy with minimal discomfort. It is an example of how brave women truly are. The 9 months following conception is like a test of our endurance, our strength. Somehow we all seem to prevail. And some brave souls head right back into the ring for another round.
I've been debating about whether or not I should write this entry because I don't want to seem as if I'm complaining about something as miraculous as pregnancy. Still, the title of this journal is "Verisimilitude" which means truth or reality therefore I feel I should remark on what my pregnancy feels like.
There a days when I feel pretty good and almost forget that I'm pregnant. There are days when when I feel so crappy and nauseous that I've actually said to Robert, "Why would anyone in their right mind want to be pregnant" and "I'm glad you only want one child because I'm not doing this again". Of course, when I'm feeling good I forget that I've actually made these comments. It is only from sheer will that I haven't barfed. When I'm nauseous I can't even go into the kitchen. One night we had vegetarian chili and it was as if it was the most delicious thing I've ever tasted. The next night I didn't even want to look at it. One evening, the only thing I could even think about eating was a single piece of corn on the cob which Robert bought from a local farmer. After the first bite I thought I never tasted corn this good in my life, but half way through it was suddenly too sweet and I had to force myself to finish it. It is very strange.
The most interesting symptom I have experienced is an intense fatigue that hits me hard. It's like nothing else I've ever felt. When the exhaustion hits my whole body aches. The first time it happened I thought I had a fever because every muscle in my body ached...it even felt like my bones were hurting. According to my doctor, this is very common. I learned that the reason this happens is because my body is working very hard at building a little human with tissue, nerves, organs, and bones of it's own. We don't realize how much energy it takes to create a little human, but judging by the way I feel when the fatigue hits...it takes a LOT.
The other symptom that I'm experiencing is the result of the hormone, progesterone, which my doctor is now trying to wean me off of. My breasts are so swollen that I look like a cartoon of my former self. I wouldn't mind it so much if the size was due to milk production for breast feeding...at least then they would be useful. At the moment, however, they are nothing more than extremely painful decorations.
I am told that pregnancy makes our sense of smell more acute as a means of protecting the embryo from poisonous substances. If there is any truth to this, it happened to me last night. I woke up and said to Robert, "I smell a skunk". He said he didn't smell anything, but I could clearly smell it and it kept waking me up. Having spent nearly 18 years living in Manhattan, I would swear that nothing smells worse than the subway in June, but now I crown the humble skunk the malodorous KING. Bradford Morrow wrote a prose poem about the skunk in "Bestiary". He describes it's scent as "satanic perfume". It couldn't be more accurate. This morning Robert remembered that, when he was taking out the trash the other night, he saw a skunk running down the sidewalk. All I can say is, "AHA!!!"
We go into this experience not knowing how it will effect us. We hope that we will be one of the lucky few who breeze through pregnancy with minimal discomfort. It is an example of how brave women truly are. The 9 months following conception is like a test of our endurance, our strength. Somehow we all seem to prevail. And some brave souls head right back into the ring for another round.
Labels: IVF, The Journey
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