Be, Be, Be...

September 20, 2004

Today is my pregnancy test. It's been 16 days post ovulation or in my case, post retrieval. A pregnancy test is usually done on day 16 - 18, but sometimes as early as day 10. I think the waiting is the most difficult part of IVF. Waiting has always been a problem for me in my life and perhaps there is a lesson here. I've been trying to remain neutral, but of course I analyze every twinge and cramp. The reality is there is no way for me to guess if I'm pregnant or not. Both viable and nonviable pregnancies can cause these sensations, and so can all the hormones I've been taking. While I am both excited and nervous to find out if I'm pregnant or not, I have resisted the urge to test myself. I am waiting for my doctor to do it. If the IVF worked I will be elated, if not I will continue to try on my own. A few years ago, my mom gave me a thick silver ring which I wear on my right index finger. Inscribed on the band is one simple word, "BE". I have always thought of it as a reminder to "BE" myself; not compare myself to others; to "BE" truly present and aware in my own life; to live fully. It's been a proverbial "string tied on the finger" so as not to forget. This morning, as I look at my ring, all I can think of my pregnancy test. I look down at my belly and whisper, "BE"..."BE"..."BE".