Now an Embryo!

September 27, 2004

The last of the HCG blood levels. My doctor said that the levels are all good and that I only need to be followed with weekly sonograms. Below is the first picture of our embryo. You can clearly see the margins of the sack. On the screen I could see the rice sized little embryo, but it's hard to make out in the scan. In the coming week a rudimentary heart tube should form. There will be another sono on Monday. If all goes well we should see a heartbeat.

Belly Blessings

September 25, 2004

I saw an entry on Jen Gray's blog called, "Hand Blessings". The photo was that of a cluster of hands on a pregnant belly. I liked this idea so much that I began asking friends and family if they would like to send their love and blessings to our little embryo. I asked them to place their hand on my belly while I photographed it.

Little embryo, here are some of your blessings......(there will be many more to come)




 

I'm Pregnant!!!

September 21, 2004

"somewhere i have never traveled gladly beyond any experience" - ee cummings 

I'm pregnant!!!

When I went for my blood test I told the staff, "I know the odds, but I want to be the success story...pregnant on the first try with one egg. So keep your finger's crossed for us".

It happened!

My doctor's office called yesterday and said, "Congratulations!" Everyone within in earshot began clapping. It's big, BIG news because of my age, because it was my first try at IVF, and because I had one egg. My doctor told a mutual friend that he thought I was a little kooky because I remained so positive during the whole ordeal. He said, "Wendy acted as if the odds were 100% in her favor". My friend replied, "Wendy is well aware of the statistics...she's just a very optimistic person".

I can't help thinking about that childhood story, "The Little Engine that Could"...only I think of it as, "the little EMBRYO that could". I want our story to bring hope to others. When I get to Syracuse, I would like to get a part time job in a fertility center. I want to teach women how to self-administer their meds with barely any pain or bruising. I want to encourage them to remain realistic, yet optimistic. I want to share everything I learned along the way and coach them through. For me, IVF was NOT an unpleasant experience.

I wrote yesterday that "perhaps there is a lesson here" and I think I've figured it out. The process of having a baby is about giving up control and having patience. (Two things that I'm not very good at.) I realized that giving myself injections wasn't horrible for me, because I felt like I was doing something to help...I was in control of something. We give up control of our bodies and allow another human being to live and grow in it...we allow our bodies to change. We give up control to nature, not knowing if we will even get pregnant. We learn patience in the waiting... waiting to find out if we are pregnant, waiting to see if it goes to term, and waiting to meet this little person 9 months later.

 I know we're not "out of woods" yet, but I so hope our little embryo continues to flourish. I want so badly to share this story of his/her beginning. I want to say, "This is a photo of you when you were a morula. I watched the doctor put you inside me, and it was so amazing and beautiful that I gasped in awe". I look forward to sharing everything I learned in my 40 years of BE-ing. I look forward to playing, making castles out of boxes, puppet shows, and toasting marshmallows in our fireplace. I look forward to seeing Robert be a daddy and taking photographs of them together. I look forward to being a family.

Be, Be, Be...

September 20, 2004

Today is my pregnancy test. It's been 16 days post ovulation or in my case, post retrieval. A pregnancy test is usually done on day 16 - 18, but sometimes as early as day 10. I think the waiting is the most difficult part of IVF. Waiting has always been a problem for me in my life and perhaps there is a lesson here. I've been trying to remain neutral, but of course I analyze every twinge and cramp. The reality is there is no way for me to guess if I'm pregnant or not. Both viable and nonviable pregnancies can cause these sensations, and so can all the hormones I've been taking. While I am both excited and nervous to find out if I'm pregnant or not, I have resisted the urge to test myself. I am waiting for my doctor to do it. If the IVF worked I will be elated, if not I will continue to try on my own. A few years ago, my mom gave me a thick silver ring which I wear on my right index finger. Inscribed on the band is one simple word, "BE". I have always thought of it as a reminder to "BE" myself; not compare myself to others; to "BE" truly present and aware in my own life; to live fully. It's been a proverbial "string tied on the finger" so as not to forget. This morning, as I look at my ring, all I can think of my pregnancy test. I look down at my belly and whisper, "BE"..."BE"..."BE".

Egg Transfer and a Sense of Happiness

September 8, 2004

The procedure was one of the most amazing things I've ever experienced. Once I was on the table I opened my gown to show the doctor my "Welcome Home" message on my belly. He laughed and one of the techs called more staff over to see it. There was a sense of happiness and anticipation in the room and everyone had their eyes fixed on the screen as the doctor positioned the equipment and catheter. He angled the montior so I could watch and someone slipped a pillow under my head so I could see everything. When he was ready to make the transfer he said, "Ok Wendy, this is it". I saw a small white burst inside my uterus and I gasped with amazment. The doctor asked, "How do you feel?" I replied, "I feel like crying...that was the most beautiful and amazing thing I've ever seen...thank you". He told me to "think positive and pregnant" and I told him that's what I've been doing all along. I had to remain there...horizontal for some time. Now I just have to take it easy for a couple of days and wait to see if it implants. There was no pain with this procedure...just elation. Tomorrow our morula officially becomes a blastocyst. I will celebrate...continue to send it thoughts of love...and cheer it on.

"nothing which we are to perceive in this world
equals the power of your intense fragility" - ee cummings

Blastocyst

September 7, 2004

I spoke to the lab today and our morula continues to grow. Tomorrow at noon, the 'little one" will be put back where it belongs. I'm getting acupuncture in the morning for a little zap before the insert. For the last couple of days, I've been sending all my love to a tiny growing mass of cells in a petri dish on Park Avenue. Robert has created his own mantra, "keep dividing, don't fragment, keep dividing, don't fragment". Next we wait to see if it implants. I keep trying to visualize our little blastocyst wearing cleats.

Over Another Hurdle

September 5, 2004 11:00 AM

Over another hurdle...

We just received a call from the embryo lab. The egg was fertilized and we now have a morula. It will have to survive and keep dividing during the next day or two...if all goes well, it will be inserted on Wednesday.

A Switcherooo

September 5, 2003

Last night I phoned my doctor and spoke to his nurse. After this third attempt, I was finally able to get them to allow me to use the Progesterone vaginal suppositories instead of the injection. My reasons were:

- Painful injection site
- No evidence to support that injection is better than suppository
- No evidence to support that the medication works at all.

My feelings are...why make IVF more painful and invasive than it has to be. Up until now, the injections were completely tolerable. The HCG was the only one that made me sore because it went into a muscle. Moreover, it is difficult for me to inject properly into my left side. As my right buttock was still sore from the HCG, I couldn't imagine injecting the same area up to 20 more times.

Doxy & Progesterone

September 3, 2004

Begin taking Doxy. This is to prevent infection due to the surgery tomorrow.

September 4, 2004

The surgery wasn't that bad. (I will not get into the details of the experience at this particular clinic) Basically, I put on a gown and was escorted to a room where I was helped onto a table. My legs were strapped into stirrups. An IV was set in my left arm (didn't really hurt). I could smell and taste the medication as it was injected in my vein so I knew what was about to happen. I closed my eyes and thought of Robert, and a baby. The medication took effect VERY quickly and the next thing I knew, I was in a recovery room. The IV was removed and I waited for Robert.

I was told that they were only able to retrieve one egg because the other two follicles only contained fluid. Because I only have one egg they will perform ICSI. This is a procedure in which they pick out a very healthy sperm and chase it from behind with a needle. They suck it up (tail first) into the needle and then inject it into my egg. This is to ensure fertilization. We now must wait to see if the egg fertilizes properly; divides properly; survives; and is healthy enough to put back in me.

If all goes well, it will be put back inside of me on Tuesday or Wednesday. We will be waiting for a call from the embryo lab in the next day or so.

Tonight more medication will be added. I will be continuing the antibiotic, but in addition I will also be adding an oral steroid that will help prevent rejection of the blastocyst after it is inserted. I will also be administering another intramuscular injection. It is called, Progesterone, and it will help my uterine lining get thick and sticky to help the blastocyst implant firmly. It is a thick, oil based medication. Since my right side is still a little sore from the HCG shot, I may teach Robert how to do it so I can get it on the left side. The progesterone shots will continue nightly until further notice OR until I can convince my doctor to allow me to use a vaginal suppository instead.

Pregnyl aka HCG

September 3, 2003

I was so paranoid about missing this very important shot that I not only set my alarm for 11:50 pm, but I also set a timer. I wanted to give myself 10 minutes to wake up, mix and measure the medication. This shot was tricky to administer as I had to twist around like a pretzel to get it in just the right area of my bum. To date...that makes a total of 31 self-administered injections. Last night Nova did a piece on IVF. How fortuitous! I enjoyed watching it and now I have a vivid picture of what will be happening while I'm under anesthesia.

One of Three Follicles

September 2, 2004

 (Yesterday and the day before...more of the same, blood tests and sonos and waiting and 3 shots in the belly). Today's visit to the doctor (blood and sono) was key and I was told that I'm ready to go. I'm to stop the Follistim and Antagon shots and give myself an Intramuscular shot (butt) of HCG at midnight. This is the final kick in the pants, so to speak. Saturday will be my surgery to remove the eggs. The implant will be on Tuesday or Wednesday. I came home and cried my eyes out. I cried because I was happy that we are almost "there". I cried because I was relieved that I didn't have to inject my belly anymore even though I really don't think it's that bad. I cried because I am nervous about the unknown. I cried with admiration of my own strength and courage. I am swollen and bruised. Metaphorically, I feel like an over ripe, over handled piece of fruit. One of my favorite authors (SARK) would probably say that at this moment I'm just "Living Juicy"!